He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
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