I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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