I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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