I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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