and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
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Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
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Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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