i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I am naked and annoyed.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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