Sorry, I don't speak sober.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
