I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Randomize
