Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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