no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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