Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I need a beard to bite.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
