Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
