I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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