Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
