just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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