Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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