do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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