so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
