I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
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Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
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When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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