not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
