yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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