saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize