You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
my liver is dry heaving
Randomize
