Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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