i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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