Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
