Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium