two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
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Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
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Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.