Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16