Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW