I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Randomize
