when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Randomize
