I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.