someone get that fucking seahorse.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
