my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
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Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
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If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
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