best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
they call him Oral-B. enough said
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I need moral support for this bender
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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