ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
there was a trapeze. enough said
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
