I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
