awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
