Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
