Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
In America we eat man semen.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
