he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
My vagina is officially offended.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
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