he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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