He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
