Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Randomize
