I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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