i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
