I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I see more hoeing in ur future
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