The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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