How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
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I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
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What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
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