New low: just hacked my moms facebook
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
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