maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
