My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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