THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
