I swear god or herbie drove my car home
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
