I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
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Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
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Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
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