I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
Randomize
