we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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