i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
