I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize