I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
