I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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