My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
