Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
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