dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
PANTIES FOUND
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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